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We are waiting
our whole life
for better days
for better opportunities
for changes

We are waiting
our whole life
for the one job
for the one house
for the one person

We are waiting
our whole life
for the perfect chance
for the perfect moment
for the right decision

We are waiting
and waiting
and waiting
and…

recognize only within the last breath,
that all the waiting was pointless.

Somehow, it’s strange to think about the fact that my visa will expire in four months. Four months … It feels like an eternity, but we all know that clock is ticking – and before you know it, these four months will be over.
I feel the same way when I look back on the last 1 ½ years. It feels like it was only yesterday when I said goodbye to my best ones at the airport, and yet so much has happened since then.

But one thing has always been the same: The subset “When you’re back …”

“When you’re back, we’ll have to go out together.”
“When you’re back, we have to do a binge watching weekend.”
“When you come back, everything will be different / better again.”

Yes, I admit, I had similar thoughts at first. Why not, at the beginning of my trip I did not even know if I would stay longer than three months at the other end of the world. But with every day, every month I stayed, these thoughts slowly but surely dissolved.

I told you before that the most important reasons for making the decision to go to Australia was unhappiness. And for someone who’s struggling every day to silence the little monsters that always see the negative, the bad, I didn’t live the perfect life. Of course, depressive thoughts are easiest to overcome by focusing on the positive. But what if the bad is predominated?

Often, however, it needs a little distance first to see what didn’t work well in the first place. You need to look at it from another point of view, and take the time to finally listen to the voices in your head.
In my case, it was the fact that the phrase “When you’re back …” actually sounded more like “When you’re back home …” – and as difficult as it is to say it out loud, I don’t have a home anymore. At least not in that cliché kind of way. And that’s okay, I accepted that years ago. But it may explain why the sentence makes me flinch every time.

And very slowly, very quietly, a new thought has come into my mind: What if I won’t be back ….

Would that make a difference?
Would that end friendships?
Would that change many lives?

It is said that it’s always easier for the one who leave. And yes, that may be true … but for some time now I am the one who has been left behind, and I’m able to say that there is no “what if”, there is only “that’s how it is!”
And while, for the first time in several years, I had to fight my monsters in the last 8 weeks in such a fierce way, that it did not let me sleep at night, and cost so much energy during the day that I had deal with my emotions in the evening and more than once fell asleep while in tears, my tower of strength has always been there for me. And I realized it does not matter at all if I’m in Germany, Australia or Timbuktu.

So what if we finally stop waiting for the next weekend, the next year, the next big event – and instead start living and deal with the situation as it is today, this Monday?

What would it change? What would you change? What do I change?

 

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