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The eternal struggle
Between good and evil
Right and wrong
Between being cheerfully
And deeply depressive
is exhausting, demanding
Because it seems
There is no solution
And the reason
can be found
Always the same questions
Without answer
Without satisfaction
The consequence
Sleepless nights
Terrible days
And the urge to flee
Which succeeds every now and then
When the music starts playing again.

In July 2012 I made a decision.
A decision I have only shared with a few.
A decision without which I would not know where I would be today.
A decision that was definitely not easy for me, but it was the trigger for what has changed in the last 5 years.

In July 2012, I made the decision to talk about those days when I’m not able to get out of bed, when I’m not even able to open the blinds. For the first time, I’ve talked about the fact that sometimes I feel lethargic, sluggish, and really lonely because I don’t know who to talk to about all the dark thoughts. Just about those days when the little monsters in my head start talking louder and louder and take away any positive thoughts I used to have.

In July 2012, I made the decision to speak about “depression” for the first time and to finally seek help…

I ended up going to therapy  for 2 ½ years. In these years, I learned how to deal with the black days, to accept them as a part of my life. I have learned that other people do understand what is going on, that I’m not the only one having thee dark periods. But, above all, I learned how important it is to talk about these little monsters, to call them by name and not hiding from them or even denying them.

But as easy as these may sound now, the first years were hard work. I was regularly overwhelmed by my feelings, had to fight old habits and develop new strengths. I fought phobias, questioned emotions and learned to let go of the anger and frustrations that had accumulated over the years. I have had to realize how hard it is to say “no” and to put my own needs first. I have begun to cancel appointments without inventing lies, but honestly started to admit that, on those days, I simply do not want to or cannot leave the house. And I got a tattoo, to remind me of that.

And now, five years later, I have achieved what I always wanted to achieve – I can finally enjoy my life again! I am happy, I am proud of myself, I am satisfied. Although – or maybe because – the dark days are still a constant companion, as are the little monsters whose voices are sometimes louder, sometimes quieter … only my attitude towards them has changed. And today, celebrating my arrival in Australia a year ago, I’d like to have the courage to talk about it. Because, without knowing it at first, Australia was my last big step … away from the abyss, away from the darkness.

Being at the other end of the world, gave me the distance I needed. Distance, to reflect the past years and find out what and who is really important to me. Distance, to find and understand myself.

And as much as I feared  before my therapy in 2012 I might loose myself – after all, those dark days were always the days when I was most creative and enjoyed music even more intensively than otherwise – I had to finally recognize that the opposite was the case.

With making that decision five years ago, I regained the ability that I had lost a long time ago: to simply be myself.

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