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“There are days when the darkness will shake you to your core. Your stomach turns inside out, and your heart doesn’t simply break…it becomes unrecognizable. You don’t just feel pain… you become it. Like a scene in a movie where a careless mark realizes they’ve been stabbed or shot, just to look up into the eyes of a trusted friend or loved one that did it… hollow eyes, dead and cruel eyes that have been working to this moment for some time unbeknownst to the victim bleeding out onto the ground. When things finally go too far, and someone proves themselves to be unworthy of the armor, weapons, and protections you stripped from yourself, laid at their feet, and then foolishly nestled your head in their hands. How does one simply stagger back to their feet and begin walking again? Some don’t. Some can’t. Some must. Music has always been where I lean for support…to hold me when I am too weary to move, to guide me when I am lost, and to assure me that I am worth more than what I sometimes believe I deserve. What moves you? What guides you? What brings you up from the madness, and sets your feet back on the path towards healing and self worth?”

Nathan Gray

When I’ve read these lines a couple of days ago, it honestly felt like being stabbed. I couldn’t breathe for a moment, couldn’t think. I was reading the words in total disbelief over and over again.

Your heart doesn’t simply break… it becomes unrecognizable.
You don’t just feel pain… you become it.
How does one simply stagger back to their feet and begin walking again?
To assure me that I am worth more than what I sometimes believe I deserve.

I think, sometimes there is no healing, there is no way to start walking again. Sometimes you just have to accept that this is it. No matter how much it hurts, how much it destroys you. You have to realize that you let down the walls, made yourself vulnerable, just to be stabbed in the heart. And no matter how much you try, you’ll be scarred for life. And sometimes the voices in your head keep screaming that this is exactly what you deserve.

And sometimes, there’s music. And there are human beings like Nathan Gray.
It is not a secret that I admire him. His music, his art, and his way of putting thoughts into words have always been a silver lining. And yet, this is not the only reason why he became one of my biggest source of inspiration lately. It is his never-ending will to fight for love, for life – no matter how hard the darkness is trying to surround you.

I’m still fighting the aftermath of my 10-day journey, my monsters are extremely present at the moment. It costs a lot to hold myself together and leave the house. And in times like that, I need music more than anything else. And there’s one song, I always come back to recently:

“How many chances
At redemption do I think I’ll ever get
Keep changing my rhythms for a shot at something more
Miracles happen
So why do I feel like I’m being left behind
It’s still in my nature
To look for what I can’t find

[…]

Is this all there is?
Is this all there is to me
I should be all better now
This is all there is to me
I can pick myself up again
Is this all there is?
I hope that one day I will make a stand
But right now
This is all there is to me!”
Boysetsfire –  With Every Intention

I suppose, it’s the lyrics, and the way it simply is.
It is how this question is being asked. To me, it feels like a mixture of the last bit of hope, a lot of frustration and in the end acceptance.
Is this all there is?

I still remember, or better relive, the moment when I first heard this song live. It must’ve been my 9th or 10th boysetsfire concert. I had tickets for the 20th anniversary show. I remember standing next to one of my best ones, shaking, nearly crying. Holding on to my necklace with the silver clef, being abolutely caught up in the moment. Three nights, four concerts. A memory for a lifetime!

And that is the reason, why I normally don’t write about my happy moments, my music moments… because, after all, this is all there is to me. They belong to me, just to me. They are what keeps me safe, they keep me sane! These moments keep me alive. And once I give that away, it would be the same as taking down my walls.

However, I had a few conversations over the last couple of days with interesting people, and I decided to start another project from tomorrow on. On my Social Monster Channels here and here, I will answer three questions every day for the next two weeks:

1. Who are you listening to today?
2. What are you proud of today?
3. What are three things that made you happy today?

I guess, it is quite obvious why am I doing this. It’s all about getting my monsters to concentrate on the good things, the little things. It’s about changing my thinking, to drag myself out of these dark days. And at a same time, it can be an inspiration for you, to look for something similar.

In monsterly love,
L.

 

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