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“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win!”
Stephen King

When I was a kid, I used to have this incredible fear of death. Or at least, I thought so.
The moment before I was about to fall asleep, I suddenly had thoughts like:
“What if I don’t wake up?”
“What if I stop thinking?”
“When I’m asleep, my mind is not working. Why should it be different once I’m dead? Would I recognize that I’m dead?”
Overwhelmed by these kind of thoughts, I started crying almost every time I had them, unable to explain the real reasons to my parents – I was just a child after all. They probably often thought I was just overtired…

Anyways, these thoughts started to grow. I remember one day I was in the bathroom and out of nowhere, it popped up into my head that, one day, I won’t be here anymore, that I will be gone – just like that. And I lost it, I got so frightened, I didn’t know what to do. And I remember, I broke down onto the bathroom floor, sobbing.

In Hindsight, I think, I was more afraid about the void that awaits us after we have died, not death itself. The unknown, the fact that one day we will be gone… but I haven’t been just afraid, most of all I have been mad. Mad at the fact that no one has ever asked me if I wanted to come into this life that leads to death. (I think that is one reason why I wrote my Master thesis about artificial human beings and cloning!)

These thoughts still freak me out, even all these years later. My heart starts pounding, I get sweaty, start crying uncontrollably – no matter where I am, or what I am doing. There’s no rule for that sort of thing. It can happen everywhere, anytime.

Same applies for something that I call… my monsters.
When I am caught up in my dark days, that’s when they start to be in charge. They are going to rule my actions. And that leads to me randomly not being able to do normal things. Having a shower seems like the hardest thing to do during a day. Cooking food feels so incredibly pointless that I start crying while doing it. Getting out of bed – impossible.

When my monsters are in charge, I feel permanently exhausted. I feel tired, but I can’t sleep. My head hurts so much, because it does not stop overthinking. I cry, because it feels like every single emotion is trying to get out of my body. And the worst thing is… I don’t even know why.
I know that I’m lucky, I know that my life is good, and I know that these dark days eventually are passing quickly. And I know that people support me..

but

The monsters don’t fucking care. And on goes the fight between these feelings inside of me and the mature voice in my head that tries to tell me to get my shit together.

In monsterly love,
L.

 

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