Two souls, alas! are dwelling in my breast,
Which struggle there for undivided reign:
One to the world, with obstinate desire,
And closely-cleaving organs, still adheres;
Above the mist, the other doth aspire,
With sacred vehemence, to purer spheres
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe – Faust I
Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to describe your own thoughts and feelings. Therefore, I am more than grateful that I, as a literary scholar, can use quotes from famous writers. Goethe’s Faust is the epitome of a torn personality – and that’s just how I feel at the moment. Torn between two worlds.
In about 12 hours, I will pass the security check at the airport, and will leave Germany once again for two years. I’m going to fly back to a life I now call my everyday life, and I couldn’t be happier about that.
And yet, going back is tinged with something else.
This trip has been a two weeks vacation for me. Two weeks in which I met friends and family, devoured an incredible amount of German food and had a lot of deep conversations. Above that, it has been two weeks in which I learned a lot about myself and gained new insights.
Even though the street corners still felt familiar even after such a long time, and going to the pub felt like you had never been away, there was another feeling that was so much stronger.
I knew for years that this feeling has been a part of me, but I was too afraid of it. So I got used to suppressing it. I wanted it to shut up. The feeling of not belonging here anymore. Here … this is so much more than just a city, a place of residence or the social circle. And at the same time that’s exactly what it is.
It is anything but easy to say that, because it reminds me that I have always desperately tried to become part of something I actually never wanted to belong to. And one should’ve known that this couldn’t work.
The past two weeks have been the closure of a period of life. And I have been working on that since 2012. And as much as it hurts to say goodbye, it is so bitterly necessary and liberating. My trip to Australia is no longer an escape. It is a conscious decision, knowing that the good of the past will be a part of the future as well. While the bad remains within the old walls. It’s an attempt to bring the two souls in my chest together… the one who has, over the last 14 days, spent time with friends drinking beer and talking about anything and everything. Just because it’s so easy to be yourself around people who have known you your whole life. And the other one that tries to start a new life completely free and encapsulated from the past.
I do not know what the next two years will bring – let alone what will happen afterwards – but honestly, I don’t want to know. I just know that I do not want to start again to desperately try and find my place and put myself under pressure to walk the right way (what is right or wrong anyways?).
Now, at this exact moment, I just want to sit here, drink my tea and listen to the voices of my two souls.
In monsterly love,